Dedicated to Alma
I don’t understand love and i don’t think i ever will. I understand the love for a family but that feels nothing like the love I feel for my partner. It’s one of those things that to me just is the worst. Everyone wants to know what love feels like but nobody can truly know I guess which leads to me fooling myself into feeling love. A false love. For a long time I drilled into myself that i didn’t do enough for love and then I drilled into myself that i couldn’t feel it. The final and my least favourite stage was the part where i thought that I felt love for how i treated other people or how i loved going from person to person having fleeting physical relationships. I had hated myself and then i filled the whole that hatred left with the fact people liked to be physical with me so therefore I had no reason to hate myself
I mean I had friends and family and people would call me good looking sometimes. What more could I want. What more indeed. I still obviously had crushes for people and the like but none of that was real. It was never real. Because if it was I still had problems. And I was done with them. I lied to everyone around me like I always had done. Like i still do now and will probably accidentally do in this actual blog post.
I don’t know what clicked for me. I have some idea but that’s too personal for an internet blog. But that tiny inkling of an idea still leaves me in the dark. I had been talking to someone and they made me feel nice about myself. Only over text so I thought it was nothing new. But when I met them in person, It was something else to me. Every moment I was with them was just… I can’t say it in words i guess, if this was in person i would be using my hands to talk at the ellipsis. And it wasn’t shortly after that we started dating(and still are as of writing, woohoo). And in this relationship was when I felt love. I can just look at her and i feel this immense joy. I sit with her and we talk about random nonsense and it feels like the most important convo in the world to me. And I think back on how i felt before and it was nothing like this. It didn’t compare. I can’t feel bad anymore because no matter the problem or hardship I’ve got this amazing person still with me. And it was only as i talked to some of my younger compatriots that I remembered how it feels to be worried about not being this kind of happy. Whether that’s wondering if you are now in love or being determined that you won’t find love despite only being like 14, a literal baby. So I thought it best to put my feelings to paper and my thoughts on love to try and help them as well as just gush over the person I love. That’s right bitches, this was just the foreword.
So now that you understand my history I can now get all wanky and talk about love. Would I say I’m in love? 100%. No doubt in my mind. To me love is this overwhelming warmth. I stare at my partner and I can’t help but smile. It’s the perfect warmth. In the moments I’m with her I feel completely at ease and like nothing goes wrong.Every minute with her is amazing. It’s like when you drink a random soda drink but it’s at just the right temp and the right moment. I want nothing more than to just spend time with this absolutely amazing person. Sometimes we just sit on a video call and do things in the background and even that makes me overjoyed. She is just the best. But i still am not sure what love is
Because I know people who are in love. And they all tell me different things when I ask them what love feels like. No one ever gives a straight answer. Which to me is especially annoying. I mean how is someone supposed to know what love is if no one knows what it is. Or maybe everyone I know is just bad at explaining things. In its most basic form Love seems to be a mutual feeling of security,of intense caring, and the immense enjoyment of another’s personality and being(also your partner’s body 😉 (unless your asexual, but even then you might really like their hair so idk)). Sure you can feel any of those individual components with anyone but to not just have them all apply but to also feel them all stronger than you usually feel them? To me that is what love is/feels like. And do i feel that with my gf?Yes, she is a cute unexplainably brilliant person(who will definitely deny all compliments at best) But I love that about her, I love her. I feel secure with her, I care for her and have immense enjoyment of her personality and being. She pushes me to be better just so i don’t feel like a let down in comparison.
Enough gushing however(Even tho i could do it for hours.) Now I want to talk directly to the young and those without this love. I once was like that of course filled with self doubt. It just shows how warped the internet has made us, along with tv and other media. Worried that they won’t feel this love, hell even sure of it and they’re a baby. Or you’re the same age as me and lamenting over your lack of a partner. I have my advice for those people, don’t worry. Just chillllllll my dude. Because, for the babies, you’re a baby trust me it will turn out fine, The reason you aren’t in love is because you are so young you can’t even get a feckin tractor license and only earn 70% of minimum wage. Your time will come, until then go back to watching cbbc or whatever 14 year olds do. I assume be obsessed with shiftin? Probably, I was the same. And for those of a similar age to me? The ones I mentioned lamenting. It took me until now to feel in love. We’re all still young. And ye it sucks, but trust me the person is worth the wait. They’ll knock the socks off you and then some.
I can’t say much to make you feel better about your loneliness. It sucks as i’ve already said. Just chill and vibe and that special person will fall right into your hands. No need to rush because a rushed job aint what you want, need or deserve my friend. Now for my last demographic of people who are unsure about if they’re in love or if it’s a falsehood. Think to yourself about it. Firstly If you feel anything like i’ve just described? Then imma say that’s love but i’m not all knowing(yet). Let’s say you don’t feel the way I feel about my partner? Like I said , love seems to be different from person to person. Just look deep inside yourself that’s all I can say. I can’t truly know how you feel but maybe what I’ve written can help clear your confusion if only slightly
And that’s all I’ve got I’m afraid. Love is a complex beast, and I feel as if this shite blog post only cuts the surface. If i stick with this blog I’ll probably come back to this. I promise the next post will be funny.
Just some notes. If anyone tries to “behold a man” me with my love definition I will beat you to death if i see you. Also if my gf breaks up with me immediately after this, that is objectively hilarious to me and I completely understand.
And if it isn’t obvious, I love her 🙂