Category: Wanker writing

I don’t use Tumblr. However an app I do use is Instagram which happens to have a shitton of screenshots of Tumblr posts on it. And it was as I was perusing Instagram( most likely after my body was reported in Among us) that I came across an interesting post. It was about the diary entry of a teenage girl that read something like “Went to art museum today, it was boring. I think fred likes me. Man lands on moon”. That is hilarious, we view it as this massive event that had everyone glued to their screens. And this girl? She gave 4 words. FUCKING 4! It’s just so fucking funny lol.

But then something was in the Tumblr replies that caught my attention. it was someone mentioning one of their grandparents diary entries. It was from the 1940s and It went something like this “We went to nanas today. she gave us buttermilk scones. mom didn’t want her too but she still snuck them too us. Mussolini is no longer in power”. WHAT. Like ww2 shook the world and shaped the modern world as we know it. It’s this massive momentous event. And there are more lines allocated to scones than to Mussolini getting deposed. And at first I thought this was weirdo yank behaviour. But then I took a step back and thought about it.

And It hit me that I judge people this stuff when I do it in the modern day. For example CERN supercollider. That was a thing that I remember hearing shit tons about. And it was gonna happen. It was presumably this massive thing for science. Maybe even a modern man on the moon type of event. And I don’t remember it. Nor do I remember caring. I probably remember the day it was on. But thats not CERN day to me. No that’s “I went to the park and had fun :)” or “I had scones today”. Hard to know of course because I never wrote down any of my memories. Same with the financial crash of 2008. I didn’t know there had been a recession until like 2 years later I’d say. Probably more(tho I was 5 at the time cut me some slack)

And that’s just neat to me. It’s perspective innit like. Last example I promise but I asked my mam about the fall of the soviet union. And she didn’t remember it or remember caring about it. It was about as much bother to her as hearing that a woman down the road had got a new car. People really don’t give a shit about stuff unless they need to care about it or someone forces them to give a shit e.g school. Unless you want to destroy your mind by reading a shit ton of books about economics and history but what kind of fucking loser would do that HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

So often we read from the positions of important men, what people want us to learn. But It’s nice once in a while to see the position of the little man. It gives you that feeling on the ground. I think JoJo rabbit is good for this. Sure it’s a WW2 movie. But it’s about a kid living in it. It’s about people manoeuvring through it and learning and growing. We have the main character while also overcoming his misconceptions of Jewish people he also has to deal with growing up. It’s an interesting perspective I haven’t seen too much of. Tho I suppose people living normal lives might not making some exceptionally interesting movies and tv. Suppose so

I’ll leave ye with these diary entries from a 50ish protestant women from the 90s in the north of Ireland
“August 31st 1994 Wednesday. The IRA have stopped their violence I hope. I went to see Sam with Jennifer and Kevin, he wasn’t too good.”
“15 august 1998 Went to Kesh
At 3:10 a bomb went of in Omagh killing 28.”
“July 5th 1998 Orange men at Drumcree ” “July 6th Orange men still at Drumcree”
“25th 1991 nothing written” (this was the collapse of the soviet union)
“9th of November Thursday 1989 Richards second driving lesson tonight” (fall of the berlin wall)

My whole life I’ve been acting like tomorrow will never come. Not that the next day in general but the day that is tomorrow exactly. The first of September 2020. The date means nothing but what comes on that date matters. I am going to begin my final year of school. Basically no years of my schooling have actually mattered lol. Like they’ve taught me shit and all but the only test that will have mattered so far will be the one I take at the end of this year. And if I’m gonna be honest, I have no fucking clue what to do

Mainly that I’m like I should probably study. Like I’m gonna study but should I cut stuff out? Like I mean I have lot’s of free time usually so It’s not like I wouldn’t have time to study. But I’m just worried that stuff like this will fall to the wayside? Cause I just started this blog like and it’d be annoying to toss it aside in its infancy. Which makes sense of course. But also, I want to not fail ya get me. Truly a dilemma of unmeasurable proportions.

And I’ve had no time to prepare. It only hit me at about 3 pm today just what is coming. Like it’s tomorrow. In all honesty tho it’s not that I’m scared of what is coming it’s that I kind of don’t feel anything at all? Like it’s just a vast nothingness bar a tiny feeling. And I know I should feel something. I think I’m just too caught up in my own bullshit to realise that “OH FUCK I HAVE ACTUALLY PUT EFFORT IN” ya know. Like bruh, be scared it’s normal

Hell I don’t even know what I wanna do post school? will i go to college? join the circus? die? Who fucking knows. I just want to stick with my friends(Who will probably all move on past me) and my gf like ya know. But how do I do that? Nobody will tell me besides vague answers and I have to say that’s bullshit. Like come on bro, prepare me for this stupid ass “real world”. I just wanna chill with my gf like come on.

I both need more time to study while also doing something new to take my mind off the stress that will inevitably hit me like a wave a month before the end. I think if I focus on school I’ll still be able to write blog posts. Honestly if I have all that time in class I’ll be forced to think so I’ll probably be able to pump out blog posts lol. Maybe I’ll pick up Krav Maga? Sounds fun and simple enough ya know. Just need someone to go with me 🙁

But yeah. It’s this massive thing that has somehow snuck up on me. My whole life I’ve been ignoring it and now it’s upon me like a quickly approaching dog that I have refused to acknowledge until it humped my leg off. So yeah basically if I don’t post for the next 6-7 months don’t worry I’m just pulling my hair out trying to figure out how geography works. I know this was a short one but eh give me a break will ye. I promise to continue this for as long as I possibly can handle it. So expect me to continue this as I fail at everything else in my life :).

Return of the mack is an R&B song by Mark Morrison released in 1996 and topping charts across the world. The inspiration for the song was Mark trying to turn his life around. Morrison said in 1000 UK #1 Hits by Jon Kutner and Spencer Leigh, “When I wrote that song, it was all about my moving from the negative to the positive. And that’s how it turned out. Within the space of a year, I went from the lowest point of my life to return as The Mack and move forward to what’s become the highest point of my life.” While the song focuses on a man recuperating from a breakup it is in general just a comeback anthem.

Like many people I relate to this song. I’d say the summer of 2018 was the low point of my life. It just felt crap o I made a commitment to myself. I would focus my attention inward and fix the problems I found with myself. I (tried to at least) stopped chasing people who had no interest in me, I focused on stuff I enjoyed and questioned my personality. I was determined to figure out what made me unlikable and unhappy. So that’s what I attempted to do.

I read stupid self help article after article. I also began listening to way way way more music, and I found out music fucking slaps. A major step of this was learning to be confident. It was so tiresome to be unable to talk to new people, hell even people I knew or to be able to be how I wanted for fear of judgement. Especially clothes like. Wearing giant clothes because it covered up my body was the norm like. Now i wear what I want because I like how it feels and I like how it looks and I know i have style not because of what others think.

I don’t need you to tell me how fucking good my style is, okay? I’m the one who designed it. I know how good it is. When others goes shopping they buy SHIT. I buy the proper good stuff because when I wear it I want to taste it. But you know what’s on my mind right now? It AIN’T the clothes in my wardrobe, it’s the rest of this blog post i have to fucking write.

Hell I even looked at how I communicated online cause I was an awful dry shite. At least that’s how I felt, maybe I was overthinking. I’m want to do. Nonetheless learning to e heavily critical of myself was a useful skill to use. But infact this is getting em sidetracked from the main point I’m trying to make.

The main point I’m trying to make is that, I completed that journey. I’ts two years on and I am finally happy. I have plenty of friends who I care about and they care about me. I find it easy to make friends to make conversation. I have someone I deeply care about and who deeply cares about me. This all finally clicked when I was apologising to my gf for being an asshole before we dated and she went” If I thought you were mean I wouldn’t be dating you”And it just hit me, I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. We’re making plans for our 1 year anniversary.

I guess in short this was a ramble/flex. But I just wanted to talk about it. sometimes I spiral but overall I am happy. To quote the police “Even thought my life before was tragic, Now i know my love for her goes on”

Dedicated to Alma

I don’t understand love and i don’t think i ever will. I understand the love for a family but that feels nothing like the love I feel for my partner. It’s one of those things that to me just is the worst. Everyone wants to know what love feels like but nobody can truly know I guess which leads to me fooling myself into feeling love. A false love. For a long time I drilled into myself that i didn’t do enough for love and then I drilled into myself that i couldn’t feel it. The final and my least favourite stage was the part where i thought that I felt love for how i treated other people or how i loved going from person to person having fleeting physical relationships. I had hated myself and then i filled the whole that hatred left with the fact people liked to be physical with me so therefore I had no reason to hate myself 

I mean I had friends and family and people would call me good looking sometimes. What more could I want. What more indeed. I still obviously had crushes for people and the like but none of that was real. It was never real. Because if it was I still had problems.  And I was done with them. I lied to everyone around me like I always had done. Like i still do now and will probably accidentally do in this actual blog post. 

I don’t know what clicked for me. I have some idea but that’s too personal for an internet blog. But that tiny inkling of an idea still leaves me in the dark. I had been talking to someone and they made me feel nice about myself. Only over text so I thought it was nothing new.  But when I met them in person, It was something else to me. Every moment I was with them was just… I can’t say it in words i guess, if this was in person i would be using my hands to talk at the ellipsis. And it wasn’t shortly after that we started dating(and still are as of writing, woohoo). And in this relationship was when I felt love. I can just look at her and i feel this immense joy. I sit with her and we talk about random nonsense and it feels like the most important convo in the world to me. And I think back on how i felt before and it was nothing like this. It didn’t compare. I can’t feel bad anymore because no matter the problem or hardship I’ve got this amazing person still with me. And it was only as i talked to some of my younger compatriots that I remembered how it feels to be worried about not being this kind of happy. Whether that’s wondering if you are now in love or being determined that you won’t find love despite only being like 14, a literal baby. So I thought it best to put my feelings to paper and my thoughts on love to try and help them as well as just gush over the person I love. That’s right bitches, this was just the foreword.

So now that you understand my history I can now get all wanky and talk about love. Would I say I’m in love? 100%. No doubt in my mind. To me love is this overwhelming warmth. I stare at my partner and I can’t help but smile. It’s the perfect warmth. In the moments I’m with her I feel completely at ease and like nothing goes wrong.Every minute with her is amazing. It’s like when you drink a random soda drink but it’s at just the right temp and the right moment. I want nothing more than to just spend time with this absolutely amazing person. Sometimes we just sit on a video call and do things in the background and even that makes me overjoyed. She is just the best. But i still am not sure what love is 

Because I know people who are in love. And they all tell me different things when I ask them what love feels like. No one ever gives a straight answer. Which to me is especially annoying. I mean how is someone supposed to know what love is if no one knows what it is. Or maybe everyone I know is just bad at explaining things. In its most basic form Love seems to be a mutual feeling of security,of intense caring, and the immense enjoyment of another’s personality and being(also your partner’s body 😉 (unless your asexual, but even then you might really like their hair so idk)).  Sure you can feel any of those individual components with anyone but to not just have them all apply but to also feel them all stronger than you usually feel them? To me that is what love is/feels like. And do i feel that with my gf?Yes, she is a cute unexplainably brilliant person(who will definitely deny all compliments at best) But I love that about her, I love her. I feel secure with her, I care for her and have immense enjoyment of her personality and being. She pushes me to be better just so i don’t feel like a let down in comparison.

Enough gushing however(Even tho i could do it for hours.) Now I want to talk directly to the young and those without this love. I once was like that of course filled with self doubt. It just shows how warped the internet has made us, along with tv and other media. Worried that they won’t feel this love, hell even sure of it and they’re a baby. Or you’re the same age as me and lamenting over your lack of a partner. I have my advice for those people, don’t worry. Just chillllllll my dude. Because, for the babies, you’re a baby trust me it will turn out fine, The reason you aren’t in love is because you are so young you can’t even get a feckin tractor license and only earn 70% of minimum wage. Your time will come, until then go back to watching cbbc or whatever 14 year olds do. I assume be obsessed with shiftin? Probably, I was the same. And for those of a similar age to me? The ones I mentioned lamenting. It took me until now to feel in love. We’re all still young. And ye it sucks, but trust me the person is worth the wait. They’ll knock the socks off you and then some. 

I can’t say much to make you feel better about your loneliness. It sucks as i’ve already said. Just chill and vibe and that special person will fall right into your hands. No need to rush because a rushed job aint what you want, need or deserve my friend. Now for my last demographic of people who are unsure about if they’re in love or if it’s a falsehood.  Think to yourself about it. Firstly If you feel anything like i’ve just described? Then imma say that’s love but i’m not all knowing(yet). Let’s say you don’t feel the way I feel about my partner? Like I said , love seems to be different from person to person. Just look deep inside yourself that’s all I can say. I can’t truly know how you feel but maybe what I’ve written can help clear your confusion if only slightly

And that’s all I’ve got I’m afraid. Love is a complex beast, and I feel as if this shite blog post only cuts the surface. If i stick with this blog I’ll probably come back to this. I promise the next post will be funny. 

Just some notes. If anyone tries to “behold a man” me with my love definition I will beat you to death if i see you. Also if my gf breaks up with me immediately after this, that is objectively hilarious to me and I completely understand.

And if it isn’t obvious, I love her 🙂

Yang Jingyu or Ma Shangde was a communist sniper guerrilla during the Chinese warlord period and Japanese invasion of china who died in the 1940s. Does any of this information matter? No I just felt it’s nice to give context about who I’m talking about. What matters is that about a year ago I started writing the script for a YouTube video in which I would tell the life story of Yang(because he’s very cool guy, read the Wikipedia link) and also the story of early 20th century china because there sadly isn’t a ton of info on this guy,at least not that I could find. Now this video never came to fruition which is a good thing because it was not good that I had made it.

Now the video was good if not to toot my own horn. But what it represented and what it meant to me was the problem. Because it was never going to be created because I wanted to perfect it. Every time I finished it i added something to it, whether that was another joke or more context or anything at all. I was always worried what strangers on the internet would think of me even tho none of them would see it because it was another of millions of YouTube history videos. But it held such power over me, i spent months working on it. I’d take a break from it but like the ring calling to Frodo I couldn’t give it up. I’d lie to myself that with just one more line and I would be done.

Now this script wasn’t the only thing like that at the time. I hated all my work and was constantly trying to make it “better” so that people wouldn’t judge me. But Yang Jingyu was the worst of them. All my other work had deadlines and had to be given up eventually. Not Yang tho, that was my personal project and I had all the time in the world to work on it. Just like every other personal project I had worked on and never released for fear of criticism, It lay in my google docs. But then something changed. One day I just clicked and sat in front of my work for the last time. I don’t know what overcame me but I had suddenly realised the problem for what it was. And without thinking I deleted it.

And that was it. My “magnum opus” was gone. Now thinking back I wish I still had it so I could finally make the video, though knowing me I would never have made it. It was step one of changing myself for the better and actually dealing with my self hatred. I realised in that moment that it was an unattainable goal. And now i make meh work most times but at least i post it. This blog is the antithesis of Yang. It’s sloppy, with spelling errors, no point and (not to be a wanker, tho that’s what this post is) raw(yeah i hate using it to). But Its also something i enjoy doing, i actually post it and i’m not embarrassed by anything i write.

I don’t know what the point of this post is and if you were hoping for something as interesting as my last post I’m sorry to disappoint. But that was my struggle of loving my work and myself. All i can do is thank you for reading this and I hope you read more. God this was so wankery

Also the title was either Dr Strangeglove or a Moby dick joke.