Stuff that will put me on a list for googling about

You think Epstein’s was faked? You ain’t seen nothing yet

CW: Suicide is brought up a lot.

Seeing that Ghislaine Maxwell has been apprehended and will soon “commit suicide” reminded me of Epstein and his “suicide”. It seemed so obvious to everyone that his death was not self inflicted and there was so much internet rage at it. Like it was so sloppy, how could they expect people to believe what they where telling us. But what it reminds me of is that shit like this happens all the time and nobody bats the eye. The one example I’m always reminded me is 10000 times more sloppy than Epstein’s and of course no one gives a shit. I am of course talking about the Red Army Faction and Death Night.

Context is of course important. Red Army Faction was a far left militant group during the cold war. They robbed banks, set off bombs and shot people. Most famous for the kidnapping and killing of  Hanns Martin Schleyer, funny that no-one mentions the fact he was a former SS officer. Good Riddance. But I am not discussing that. I am of course instead talking about the alleged group suicide of its leadership, known as Death Night(not a very creative title). The leaders where Jan-Carl Raspe,Gudrun Ensslin,Irmgard Möller,Andreas Baader.

The story goes as such. On 17 October 1977 all of them killed themselves in prison. They had all made a suicide pact and ended their lives as they had no way to escape. Simple? Makes sense? Of course it does, before you look into it. Let us start with the broad stuff that applies to all of them. Baader and Raspin shot themselves(in prison), Möller stabbed herself repeatedly in the chest but lived and Ensslin had hung herself in her cells. They where all found in their cells on 18 October with Möller and Raspin still alive and were rushed to hospital. Möller was the only one to survive. First thing that should be noted is Möller has always maintained that she did not attempt to kill herself, that she was attacked and that there was no suicide pact. Not damning of course, people can lie, but starts setting of alarms bells of course.

Now how did Raspin and Baader shoot themselves? Well they smuggled in guns of course through their lawyers. But due to the Kontaktsperre rule they shouldn’t have been able to meet their clients since the 6th of September of the same year. This was a communication ban meant that they where unable to meet anybody and were unable to get post, newspapers, magazines, television, and radio. Remember they are in prison and would be searched regularly enough. So did they contain the guns up their arses? Maybe.

Now let’s say they had these guns. Now Baader shot himself in the neck at the base with it travelling out his forehead. Reported test’s have proved it is next to impossible for this to happen. Now three bullets where found in his cell. Meaning he shot two shots that weren’t targeted at him. The official reasoning? They where shots to signals to others. The only problem with this? The cells where soundproofed and they knew this. So another magic bullet and two misfires which where signalling shots that couldn’t have been heard. Not only that Baader had powder burns on his right hand despite being left handed, tho some people do shoot guns with their non dominant hands, but Raaspe had no powder burns despite having shot himself.

The guards on the wing were changed out, which normally never happens and those that where there reported no strange sounds. Well of course they didn’t the cells were soundproof. So either the cells were soundproof and there was no way they could have heard the suicide, but then that disproves the warning signal lie or they could hear noise but the guards didn’t hear anything suspicious like idk multiple gunshots? Maybe these are all a series of incredibly crazy coincidences. Or maybe we choose the obvious answer. Now we get to the real meet. Why are they so sloppy?

Why are world governments and other groups so shite at their job? Because they know you won’t do shit. The rich and their ilk can openly run pedo rings and be corrupt because they know we won’t do shit. They’ll bomb Afghanistan for 19 years and they know that we all know they should pull out but like we’ll do something. I mean what are we going to do? More capitalism or maybe diet capitalism? I mean diet capitalism is better for us i suppose but still fucks over the rest of the world. Next week we’ll be told Ghislaine Maxwell was found hung from her sell clutching a suicide note stating that she was murdered and nothing will happen.They could kill 100000 people in prison by having them shoot themselves 8 times in the back of the head and do it calmly because they know you will just sit back and say we can’t do anything except vote between the blue capitalists, the green capitalists, the dark green capitalists and maybe the reformist socialists. Because after all is said and done you won’t do anything, will you?

Wanker writing

Calling this what is love would be low hanging fruit

Dedicated to Alma

I don’t understand love and i don’t think i ever will. I understand the love for a family but that feels nothing like the love I feel for my partner. It’s one of those things that to me just is the worst. Everyone wants to know what love feels like but nobody can truly know I guess which leads to me fooling myself into feeling love. A false love. For a long time I drilled into myself that i didn’t do enough for love and then I drilled into myself that i couldn’t feel it. The final and my least favourite stage was the part where i thought that I felt love for how i treated other people or how i loved going from person to person having fleeting physical relationships. I had hated myself and then i filled the whole that hatred left with the fact people liked to be physical with me so therefore I had no reason to hate myself 

I mean I had friends and family and people would call me good looking sometimes. What more could I want. What more indeed. I still obviously had crushes for people and the like but none of that was real. It was never real. Because if it was I still had problems.  And I was done with them. I lied to everyone around me like I always had done. Like i still do now and will probably accidentally do in this actual blog post. 

I don’t know what clicked for me. I have some idea but that’s too personal for an internet blog. But that tiny inkling of an idea still leaves me in the dark. I had been talking to someone and they made me feel nice about myself. Only over text so I thought it was nothing new.  But when I met them in person, It was something else to me. Every moment I was with them was just… I can’t say it in words i guess, if this was in person i would be using my hands to talk at the ellipsis. And it wasn’t shortly after that we started dating(and still are as of writing, woohoo). And in this relationship was when I felt love. I can just look at her and i feel this immense joy. I sit with her and we talk about random nonsense and it feels like the most important convo in the world to me. And I think back on how i felt before and it was nothing like this. It didn’t compare. I can’t feel bad anymore because no matter the problem or hardship I’ve got this amazing person still with me. And it was only as i talked to some of my younger compatriots that I remembered how it feels to be worried about not being this kind of happy. Whether that’s wondering if you are now in love or being determined that you won’t find love despite only being like 14, a literal baby. So I thought it best to put my feelings to paper and my thoughts on love to try and help them as well as just gush over the person I love. That’s right bitches, this was just the foreword.

So now that you understand my history I can now get all wanky and talk about love. Would I say I’m in love? 100%. No doubt in my mind. To me love is this overwhelming warmth. I stare at my partner and I can’t help but smile. It’s the perfect warmth. In the moments I’m with her I feel completely at ease and like nothing goes wrong.Every minute with her is amazing. It’s like when you drink a random soda drink but it’s at just the right temp and the right moment. I want nothing more than to just spend time with this absolutely amazing person. Sometimes we just sit on a video call and do things in the background and even that makes me overjoyed. She is just the best. But i still am not sure what love is 

Because I know people who are in love. And they all tell me different things when I ask them what love feels like. No one ever gives a straight answer. Which to me is especially annoying. I mean how is someone supposed to know what love is if no one knows what it is. Or maybe everyone I know is just bad at explaining things. In its most basic form Love seems to be a mutual feeling of security,of intense caring, and the immense enjoyment of another’s personality and being(also your partner’s body 😉 (unless your asexual, but even then you might really like their hair so idk)).  Sure you can feel any of those individual components with anyone but to not just have them all apply but to also feel them all stronger than you usually feel them? To me that is what love is/feels like. And do i feel that with my gf?Yes, she is a cute unexplainably brilliant person(who will definitely deny all compliments at best) But I love that about her, I love her. I feel secure with her, I care for her and have immense enjoyment of her personality and being. She pushes me to be better just so i don’t feel like a let down in comparison.

Enough gushing however(Even tho i could do it for hours.) Now I want to talk directly to the young and those without this love. I once was like that of course filled with self doubt. It just shows how warped the internet has made us, along with tv and other media. Worried that they won’t feel this love, hell even sure of it and they’re a baby. Or you’re the same age as me and lamenting over your lack of a partner. I have my advice for those people, don’t worry. Just chillllllll my dude. Because, for the babies, you’re a baby trust me it will turn out fine, The reason you aren’t in love is because you are so young you can’t even get a feckin tractor license and only earn 70% of minimum wage. Your time will come, until then go back to watching cbbc or whatever 14 year olds do. I assume be obsessed with shiftin? Probably, I was the same. And for those of a similar age to me? The ones I mentioned lamenting. It took me until now to feel in love. We’re all still young. And ye it sucks, but trust me the person is worth the wait. They’ll knock the socks off you and then some. 

I can’t say much to make you feel better about your loneliness. It sucks as i’ve already said. Just chill and vibe and that special person will fall right into your hands. No need to rush because a rushed job aint what you want, need or deserve my friend. Now for my last demographic of people who are unsure about if they’re in love or if it’s a falsehood.  Think to yourself about it. Firstly If you feel anything like i’ve just described? Then imma say that’s love but i’m not all knowing(yet). Let’s say you don’t feel the way I feel about my partner? Like I said , love seems to be different from person to person. Just look deep inside yourself that’s all I can say. I can’t truly know how you feel but maybe what I’ve written can help clear your confusion if only slightly

And that’s all I’ve got I’m afraid. Love is a complex beast, and I feel as if this shite blog post only cuts the surface. If i stick with this blog I’ll probably come back to this. I promise the next post will be funny. 

Just some notes. If anyone tries to “behold a man” me with my love definition I will beat you to death if i see you. Also if my gf breaks up with me immediately after this, that is objectively hilarious to me and I completely understand.

And if it isn’t obvious, I love her 🙂

Wanker writing

Yang Jingyu or How I learned to stop worrying and love my work

Yang Jingyu or Ma Shangde was a communist sniper guerrilla during the Chinese warlord period and Japanese invasion of china who died in the 1940s. Does any of this information matter? No I just felt it’s nice to give context about who I’m talking about. What matters is that about a year ago I started writing the script for a YouTube video in which I would tell the life story of Yang(because he’s very cool guy, read the Wikipedia link) and also the story of early 20th century china because there sadly isn’t a ton of info on this guy,at least not that I could find. Now this video never came to fruition which is a good thing because it was not good that I had made it.

Now the video was good if not to toot my own horn. But what it represented and what it meant to me was the problem. Because it was never going to be created because I wanted to perfect it. Every time I finished it i added something to it, whether that was another joke or more context or anything at all. I was always worried what strangers on the internet would think of me even tho none of them would see it because it was another of millions of YouTube history videos. But it held such power over me, i spent months working on it. I’d take a break from it but like the ring calling to Frodo I couldn’t give it up. I’d lie to myself that with just one more line and I would be done.

Now this script wasn’t the only thing like that at the time. I hated all my work and was constantly trying to make it “better” so that people wouldn’t judge me. But Yang Jingyu was the worst of them. All my other work had deadlines and had to be given up eventually. Not Yang tho, that was my personal project and I had all the time in the world to work on it. Just like every other personal project I had worked on and never released for fear of criticism, It lay in my google docs. But then something changed. One day I just clicked and sat in front of my work for the last time. I don’t know what overcame me but I had suddenly realised the problem for what it was. And without thinking I deleted it.

And that was it. My “magnum opus” was gone. Now thinking back I wish I still had it so I could finally make the video, though knowing me I would never have made it. It was step one of changing myself for the better and actually dealing with my self hatred. I realised in that moment that it was an unattainable goal. And now i make meh work most times but at least i post it. This blog is the antithesis of Yang. It’s sloppy, with spelling errors, no point and (not to be a wanker, tho that’s what this post is) raw(yeah i hate using it to). But Its also something i enjoy doing, i actually post it and i’m not embarrassed by anything i write.

I don’t know what the point of this post is and if you were hoping for something as interesting as my last post I’m sorry to disappoint. But that was my struggle of loving my work and myself. All i can do is thank you for reading this and I hope you read more. God this was so wankery

Also the title was either Dr Strangeglove or a Moby dick joke.

Stuff that will put me on a list for googling about

A 4th year maths project

Transition year(or 4th year) is the biggest waist of time that exists. Like all you do in every class is nothing. Yet teachers constantly tell you it’s not for sitting around playing poker. Nonsense. That said, it is the best year in school. It is the only year you can get away with doing anything you want, to an extent. There is no better example of this than when I was given a maths project to design and price a house and i did…. something else. I designed not a house but a Impenetrable fortress from which nobody you wanted dead could leave. Note: I am a normal well adjusted person so don’t worry

Ok so here’s how it goes. You go off into the middle of nowhere and build a giant and I mean giant mansion. 3 stories the whole deal like. And in the centre of this absolutely giant mansion you build your actual house. The rest of the space will be used for defence. So I’ll set the scene, it’s a cold winter night and 2 men have broken in to rob you. They take a couple steps in and trigger the pressure plates built under the entire floor. These set off an alarm in your room and your room only. You wake up and so of course you trigger the security system, I’ll get back to that in a second. The moment you trigger the security metal shutters deploy over all the windows and doors and metal walls deploy in some of the hallways so the thieves are forced to go deeper

By now they will have reached the main security area. All the walls past the metal walls will be painted in Vantablack, as well as the ceilings and floors, which is the blackest black and absorbs 99.96 of visible light. The speakers built into the walls that by now will be blaring loud music along with the strobe lights in the ceiling will help disorientate the thieves even further making it basically impossible for them to make sense of their surroundings. But now it’s time for the main attraction. The device or should i say devices that will take care of these men.

A horde of roombas. These will of course be modified roombas with some slight changes. The rim of the roombas will essentially be the saw off of a Buzz saw so that coming into contact with the roombas will lead to multiple cuts and blood loss. But how will they find our assailants? well through the pressure plates under the floorboards of course. The roombas will have been programmed to hunt down and charge into anything that is picked up by the pressure plates the moment the security system is triggered. But how will they get around? At the floor level of all walls will be tiny vents built in so that the roombas can pass through walls with ease and pop out unexpected. This will of course take care of any threats left in your house. Because maybe you can take care of one of these roombas. But 20? not a chance. especially when your disoriented with no hope of escape.

Of course by now the Garda should have been contacted so they can take care of what’s left of this mess. Now a friend of mine brought up the fact the other day that the Garda wouldn’t be very happy with the murder mansion. I had to think about this for a while but then it struck me while i was having a piss. If you built this then of course the law wouldn’t be a problem. Why? Your’e rich and as we know the three things that help you get away with crimes even when your evidently guilty are being A) Famous e.g Matthew Broderick only had too pay a 100 pound fine for killing two women in Enniskillen in a head on collision in 1987 B)money e.g On the night of November 6, 1963, two days after her 17th birthday, Laura Welch(future bush) ran a stop sign and struck another car, killing its driver and wasn’t charged and C) Being a member of any police force e.g The Murder of Fred Hampton.

Now in case you have forgotten, I designed and wrote most of this for a 4th year school maths project. I got up in front of a class and gave a power point on this murder house. And this was accepted. The only way 4th year could be improved is if they just didn’t make you come into school for a year. Also the maths teacher didn’t refer me to any form of counselling, tho I think by then my school counsellor had become non existent.