What makes you think you can be there for me? You’ve never been there? There’s a reason I don’t turn to you. It’s because you’ve never been there for me.
What should I think of that? No matter the mental breakdowns I have, you abandon me. Sure go apologise profusely but if you really cared you’d change.
What should I do now? Because I feel like shit. I should be turning to you. And I feel guilty when you apologise. Am I just supposed to suffer in silence? Or should I not feel anything at all?
What would you think If you read this? You’d probably feel like shit. What am I? I am an asshole, but you abandon me. Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.
Why do I feel nothing? When I think that you’re gone? I cried when I found out you had gone, I cried when I said goodbye. Now there is nothing, Why?
Why did you go? How could you even leave? What an asshole. Did you think of those you’d leave behind? Fuck. I’m still here. Did you just ignore us? Just ignore me? Why?
Why do I say things like this when I know it’s wrong? Maybe if I hadn’t left for months you wouldn’t have left. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but what else should I blame?
Why can’t I move on. It’s been a year but you’re always on my mind. Maybe I’ll never move on. Maybe I’ll never move on. Maybe I’ll visit you.
Ok so before I start rambling let me just state that firstly hope the losers enjoy their LC results. Hopefully the government doesn’t ride yer holes too much. Secondly I promise I’ll be producing something of worth on this blog soon. I have some ideas I want to do so you won’t have to deal with my worthless rambling for too much longer at most one more week? Please don’t get bored. anyway onto the rambles and vague topic.
I think I lie too much. Like I lie all the time. I’ve built lies on lies on lies. Like there are people I never meet but when I do I have to keep working on a lie I built years ago. Like some of the lies are small. ye know exaggerating stories slightly for the sake of it, nothing too bad. But I do that, plus a bunch of worse stuff. Like it’s not that I even want to lie it’s just instinct. Not like I should have developed that instinct, not like i have an especially hard life. I just lied to protect the fact I wasn’t as cool as I wanted to be. at least that’s how it started out.
And it just got worse from there. Stupid little lies that when people find out they lol at, because it was a silly thing to lie about. Wonder what they’d think if they found the big lies. But that’s not the worst of it. I lie to myself constantly. Like I lie to myself so much I have doubts over if I really need reading glasses. I’ve been to the eye doctor and they’ve said I need them. But what if i’m secretly fooling everyone and even my own eyes? I mean I’ve lied about other stuff too so it’s not like it’s something I wouldn’t do. It makes me doubt my own memories cause I know psychology is wacky and all that so I probably could be misremembering stuff because I forced myself too.
And the absolutely positively worst thing? what if I’m just lying to myself so much that I think I’m lying to myself. It’s just this infinite feedback loop that makes me worse and worse and worse and worse. Well you obviously know thats how feedback loops work. It’s just this hell. That and I’m trying to figure if i got wackass shit in my head or if it’s just traits of wackass shit that I’ve picked up off of people with said wackass shit. So i’m balancing that with this great feeling that I’m a liar to everyone around me. Is that imposter syndrome? I don’t know what Imposter syndrome is and I care not to google. cause i’ll just start taking on those traits to fuck with myself. Fun aint it.
And obviously I know that I’m probably being overdramatic and shit and that I should just be quite cause I just want to feel special or cool or whatever. But eh. Thoughts? IF you have them please do tell me. either by responding to where i posted this e.g a groupchat of my friends or by email that is in my about section.
Also I made the title by smashing my head off of my keyboard.
My whole life I’ve been acting like tomorrow will never come. Not that the next day in general but the day that is tomorrow exactly. The first of September 2020. The date means nothing but what comes on that date matters. I am going to begin my final year of school. Basically no years of my schooling have actually mattered lol. Like they’ve taught me shit and all but the only test that will have mattered so far will be the one I take at the end of this year. And if I’m gonna be honest, I have no fucking clue what to do
Mainly that I’m like I should probably study. Like I’m gonna study but should I cut stuff out? Like I mean I have lot’s of free time usually so It’s not like I wouldn’t have time to study. But I’m just worried that stuff like this will fall to the wayside? Cause I just started this blog like and it’d be annoying to toss it aside in its infancy. Which makes sense of course. But also, I want to not fail ya get me. Truly a dilemma of unmeasurable proportions.
And I’ve had no time to prepare. It only hit me at about 3 pm today just what is coming. Like it’s tomorrow. In all honesty tho it’s not that I’m scared of what is coming it’s that I kind of don’t feel anything at all? Like it’s just a vast nothingness bar a tiny feeling. And I know I should feel something. I think I’m just too caught up in my own bullshit to realise that “OH FUCK I HAVE ACTUALLY PUT EFFORT IN” ya know. Like bruh, be scared it’s normal
Hell I don’t even know what I wanna do post school? will i go to college? join the circus? die? Who fucking knows. I just want to stick with my friends(Who will probably all move on past me) and my gf like ya know. But how do I do that? Nobody will tell me besides vague answers and I have to say that’s bullshit. Like come on bro, prepare me for this stupid ass “real world”. I just wanna chill with my gf like come on.
I both need more time to study while also doing something new to take my mind off the stress that will inevitably hit me like a wave a month before the end. I think if I focus on school I’ll still be able to write blog posts. Honestly if I have all that time in class I’ll be forced to think so I’ll probably be able to pump out blog posts lol. Maybe I’ll pick up Krav Maga? Sounds fun and simple enough ya know. Just need someone to go with me 🙁
But yeah. It’s this massive thing that has somehow snuck up on me. My whole life I’ve been ignoring it and now it’s upon me like a quickly approaching dog that I have refused to acknowledge until it humped my leg off. So yeah basically if I don’t post for the next 6-7 months don’t worry I’m just pulling my hair out trying to figure out how geography works. I know this was a short one but eh give me a break will ye. I promise to continue this for as long as I possibly can handle it. So expect me to continue this as I fail at everything else in my life :).
I made an email for this blog so now if you want to contact me you can contact me by messaging the email in my about section. i refuse to respond to any other forms of communication(unless you have my personal discord or phone number or snapchat etc etc) tho i doubt anyone who doesn’t have those things reads this, but i digress.
Do you ever get the urge to just smash your head of a table or window? I do all the fucking time. Like i am one slight change and then i am going to go ape shit, smash my laptop and smash my head to pieces. It worries me because I get a similar call to do other things that stress me or I’m worried about etc. for example there is a newspaper/magazine that I want to write for named [redacted]. But I always get worried about writing for it? like I want to but i stress out because I think others will give out to me if I submit my work to it? like i don’t care about the quality of my work but I don’t want to get rejected because I have low standards for my stuff and therefore will write any old thing and think it’s good enough.
And every time i think about submitting something for it I get a little bit closer to doing so. One day I’ll write an article for them but not send it. the next time i’ll write the article and an email but not send it. And eventually I’ll take the plunge. Its what I do with everything. Does anyone else do this? It’s like the call of the void but for basic tasks lol. This fear tho is different to my old fear. Because me being dumb and stupid could have actual consequences. Now if i submit my work people will read it and go “this isn’t good enough” and it’ll be denied and then these people i know will probably silently judge me. It’s the worst. I think tomorrow i will write that article.
But yeah I always get this call of the void with tasks. and eventually i answer the call and do the task. So one day I’ll probably miss an upload and then next post will be “lol just smashed my head open” or something of similar style. Maybe i am a harm to myself lmao. It’s mainly that i need to channel all my energy somewhere I think. When I write out stuff I lose all that pent up stress and energy. It’s therapeutic to talk to strangers about a random movie I saw*cough*read my review post*cough* even if I don’t mention my emotions in it. I think that this blog finally confirms that I like writing stuff. When i write i’m chill and calm and I can’t think about smashing my head until it cracks open like a very durable egg. So thank ye who read this. It’s nice seeing “141 unique visits and 690 hits”. Makes me continue to send this stuff to the internet, and cause ya’ll don’t really exist to me I don’t actually feel stressed about any of it. It’s a deadline that doesn’t really exist I suppose.
I promise one day reading this garbage will have a point. I am worried that going back to school will destroy my upload schedule tho : ( but I’ll try my best to keep up the weekly posts. and if I miss one I’ll double post. Or else the wall smashing will get me lol. I think my end goal for writing is to get someone who is horribly obsessed with me. it’d be neat don’t ya agree. There was no real point to this post, but I still wanted to make something. But yeah tell me do you get THE VOID to? about regular things of course, not about wanting to plough you car into traffic cause everyone gets that of course. But do you get that void feel about doing stuff you want to do but your lazy about. cause it’s a wackass feeling. If i sent this to you I await your response. and if you drifted across this post(or a stranger who checks out my blog every week) shoot me an email, i’ll reply as soon as I can. Also don’t worry I’m completely fine mentally 🙂 i didn’t just have a breakdown and spam someone i care deeply about with 700000 er so messages lol like i’d do that. For real tho this joke is starting to sound like not a joke i promise. 🙂 first strangers email, i’ll print it out and stick it on my wall
Return of the mack is an R&B song by Mark Morrison released in 1996 and topping charts across the world. The inspiration for the song was Mark trying to turn his life around. Morrison said in 1000 UK #1 Hits by Jon Kutner and Spencer Leigh, “When I wrote that song, it was all about my moving from the negative to the positive. And that’s how it turned out. Within the space of a year, I went from the lowest point of my life to return as The Mack and move forward to what’s become the highest point of my life.” While the song focuses on a man recuperating from a breakup it is in general just a comeback anthem.
Like many people I relate to this song. I’d say the summer of 2018 was the low point of my life. It just felt crap o I made a commitment to myself. I would focus my attention inward and fix the problems I found with myself. I (tried to at least) stopped chasing people who had no interest in me, I focused on stuff I enjoyed and questioned my personality. I was determined to figure out what made me unlikable and unhappy. So that’s what I attempted to do.
I read stupid self help article after article. I also began listening to way way way more music, and I found out music fucking slaps. A major step of this was learning to be confident. It was so tiresome to be unable to talk to new people, hell even people I knew or to be able to be how I wanted for fear of judgement. Especially clothes like. Wearing giant clothes because it covered up my body was the norm like. Now i wear what I want because I like how it feels and I like how it looks and I know i have style not because of what others think.
I don’t need you to tell me how fucking good my style is, okay? I’m the one who designed it. I know how good it is. When others goes shopping they buy SHIT. I buy the proper good stuff because when I wear it I want to taste it. But you know what’s on my mind right now? It AIN’T the clothes in my wardrobe, it’s the rest of this blog post i have to fucking write.
Hell I even looked at how I communicated online cause I was an awful dry shite. At least that’s how I felt, maybe I was overthinking. I’m want to do. Nonetheless learning to e heavily critical of myself was a useful skill to use. But infact this is getting em sidetracked from the main point I’m trying to make.
The main point I’m trying to make is that, I completed that journey. I’ts two years on and I am finally happy. I have plenty of friends who I care about and they care about me. I find it easy to make friends to make conversation. I have someone I deeply care about and who deeply cares about me. This all finally clicked when I was apologising to my gf for being an asshole before we dated and she went” If I thought you were mean I wouldn’t be dating you”And it just hit me, I’ve been dating someone for 9 months. We’re making plans for our 1 year anniversary.
I guess in short this was a ramble/flex. But I just wanted to talk about it. sometimes I spiral but overall I am happy. To quote the police “Even thought my life before was tragic, Now i know my love for her goes on”
Alright my homies, I thought I’d try something new. Now this is probably more gonna be a review of my experiences around this movie rather than the movie itself, which is probably how I’ll do all my reviews. And what a better time to write this than 02:33 am Friday the 14th of august in lovely g*(I censor the city because of the fact that the one stranger who reads my stuff could use it to track me down and kill me). Also yeah sorry for missing last weeks post so I’m writing two to make up for it.
So let me set the scene. I’m on me holidays and I am meeting up with my gf(yes the one that I dedicated a post to. That’s right this blog has recurring characters besides my mental issues and my delusions of grandeur) and we’re like “we should see a movie” and like but what movie. So after a rigorous review process
We settled on Saint Frances, Saint Frances follows Bridget and her dealing with her problems of being a women in her mid 30’s. Through this journey she has a growing friendship with a child she nanny’s called Frances. She has to balance this job along with all this other shite( I say Shite as in it seems really difficult and tough and I don’t understand it, not as in I don’t care or that I am trying to belittle the struggles of women)
Now as you can see from our aforementioned rigorous testing process I wasn’t exactly thinking of paying attention to this film nor did I think I’d especially enjoy it. Couple that with the fact me and my gf had the cinema screen alone together(yay covid!) So Imagine my shock when I absolutely fucking loved the film and that I was invested in it from start too finish which ya know caught me off guard. Because it didn’t seen especially aimed at me. Which is fair, not like everything needs to be aimed at me. But nah, this movie fucking slaps like no cap. There’s not a single character I don’t love, bar the characters you are supposed to dislike e.g M.r I don’t wanna wear a condom. The dialogue flowed really well, none of it felt cringy or shit. It felt like real human talk. there were plenty of times I laughed and plenty of times I felt emotional.
The soundtrack was good too. Nothing slapped or went especially hard but that makes sense. The soundtrack matches the vibe of each scene greatly. Again, nothing I’d add to my spotify playlist but nothing like that was especially necessary . It’s the piece of the meal that wouldn’t be your favourite part but without it the meal just wouldn’t go as hard.
I don’t want to spoil the film, because I think everyone should go watch it once they’re done reading this review. But it is brilliant in its simplicity. There was never a moment where something felt out of place or like it should be cut. Like the film would still be great without some scenes but it’s better because of those scenes. Hell here’s a seal of approval if I’ve ever heard of one. In a part near the end of the film there’s this great scene right, And there is just one moment in this scene that is just chefs kiss And despite the fact I was alone in a dark theatre with a women I dearly love(and is just brilliant, quick flex), and with all my teenage hormones and shit, this scene and moment was able to take my attention away from my gf. Now she got my attention back in like one second, but even the fact it was able to take my attention away for a second is a testament to how good this film is.
So yeah that is my thoughts on Saint Frances. Now i’m sure this is a crap review but fuck it right. The film is a great watch and most bad reviews I’ve read for it are just chuds and the like getting angry over the film because it focuses on women and the realitites of being a women, Oh and it also has lesbians. Like if it angers those tosspots it’s a must watch
My final score is 9/10. A perfect movie and worth every minute of it’s 1hr 46 minute run time. Sit down by yourself or with a friend or partner and just enjoy. I know I for one will have to re watch it.
Oh and if you say Jace isn’t best boy, send me your address I just want to talk.
It was another night staring at my laptop screen, listening to The Specials as I tried to come up with my next blog post. I was checking the stats of my page when I noticed a notification. I clicked it and nothing showed up bar “you updated your site”. But that’s when I saw it [insert your creative blogs followed you]. Amazing! The first person to follow my blog(that I didn’t already know)! Pretty neat. I know this has nothing else to do with the rest of this post(or does it I haven’t chosen what I’ll write about at time of writing] but I thought it was very neat. It will of course all go to my head eventually and it will end with me high off my tits on cocaine before I topple out a 8th story window. A fitting end 🙂
Now onto the actual topic of this blog post. Podcasts! Podcasts are such a strange idea, you just talk to yourself, record it and plop it on the internet and people give you money. Well that’s the idea at least. And podcasts are class like. I listen to a couple like Proles of the roundtable(r.i.p) The Minyan and Popular Front are the main ones I listen to. And they work so well, I can learn more about the world while doing the washing up. Like i get to do the dishes and you think I’m listening to sick tunes? And surprise! I’m actually learning about the NPA insurgency in the Philippines(which is the worlds longest communist revolution) Expanding my understanding of the world and shit.
And you can learn about so much shite. Like all the conspiracy and true crime podcasts? I’ve never loved murder more in my life. I can see why people like buzzfeed unsolved so much now. Learning about all these serial killers and cults. Imagine getting to record yourself talking about the Zodiac killer and doing that for a job? and going to like panels and selling tshirts and shit. what a class job. Like it seems like hella work with editing and coming up with new topics to talk about but it definitely seems worth it if you have a solid idea like and know how this shit works. All you need is the basic software and a microphone and boom your set to go.
That said this is a pitfall of podcasts. Because every wanker with a microphone and an idea can start a podcast, every wanker with a microphone and an idea can start a podcast. So you obviously have floods of podcasts all differing in quality, some good but most bad.Now luckily I have listened to only good ones. One of the good parts of this tho is that even the not brilliant ones are ok but just listened to a much smaller specific audience. Which is fair like lot’s of podcasts are just done for fun and of course podcasts shouldn’t be judged on popularity but their own separate contents. That said there is a reason that a lot of podcasts are very very small. Not that I could do any better. Unless……. jk jk jk(for now 😉 )
I know this post seems random and has no actual value. That’s because I’ve got podcasts on the brain and I’m discussing these with friends right now. So I thought I’d ramble on for 600 words or so and call it a night. But yeah podcasts are cool, I should start a podcast maybe, we’ll see. In conclusion Shergar is still alive and being held captive by the British government because his disappearance is the only thing holding the peace process together
Alright so I was gonna do a whole wanky article about my relationship with sports and shit. But it was boring so I scrapped it. It boiled down to me going “I’m different” and shit and abandoning “sportball” before eventually growing a brain and going nah I like this and I shouldn’t bully myself into not liking it. But something that helped me throughout this journey was the app known as New Star Soccer
Now New Star Soccer is a whole series of video games but the one i specifically plaid was the 2012 New Star Soccer Android game. Now the game is decent and I would go to on and off play it get bored delete it and then need the itch to be scratched in only the way NSS could scratch it causing me to reinstall the game. This cycle would slowly bring me to where I am now with soccer. I like it :). But currently I have a lot of time to burn with the whole covid dealio so I’ve reinstalled the game with the intention of becoming the perfect Soccer Star. It’s during this everyday grind I have come to notice just how bleak the life of a NSS star is.
Do you know what their life consists of? You choose male or female( I have no idea if gender makes a difference in this world, at least so far in my studies) and poof you exist at the ripe age of 15. You “try out” with the country you chose to play in and get assigned a random team in a low league. And from there week after week you play match after match hoping to slowly increase your “star rating” that relates to how much you will be paid,what teams you can join and whether or not you will be made the captain of the club. And all this is just to give you more money to make yourself more better at football through trainers,better boots, more property to give you back more energy,more energy drinks to give you energy plus varying effects. And why? So you can make even more money. And what can you do with money? Make yourself better at soccer and so on so forth.
And endless cycle continues forever. Your relationships? They exist only to give you more money or more opportunities e.g higher relationship with Teammates means you get the ball passed more often. You can get a girlfriend but they serve no purpose other than to fill up your happiness meter which I have no idea if it has any effects. It also makes the game harder because it adds another relationship to balance. But besides that no benefits. And all for some star bucks (which is about 1 star buck per 400 USD using a Hot Air Balloon to calculate). You become the perfect worker slaving away only focused on money and nothing else. You can play on and on decade after decade becoming no more closer to a fulfilled life. There’s not even money for your bosses as you will continuously get higher and higher contracts, a never ending supply of money.
And endless unfulfilling life based around the occasional soccer match. But the only alternative is obliteration. You could choose to retire. But retiring means you cease to exist. Which is better? Barely anything or the complete absence of anything, a complete lack of sadness or happiness. There are no negatives or positives to obliteration. You just have to choose whether no existence or a completely worthless existence is worthwhile. It is a horrible choice, perfect for the horrible existence of a NSS star. They are the ultimate slave force to be tortured forever. NSS is hell, where people go to be tortured for there past crimes before finally “retiring”. It is hell for the character you play,for those 1s and 0s. Maybe there is some catharsis. You could imagine that the 1s and 0s are the same 1s and 0s of an enemy that fucked you over in another game. If you do think of this I recommend you seek help you sadist.
Why would anyone or anything choose life as such a slave. Why, Why,why. To work for someone else with no joy in your life. Slaving away for nothing at all for material gains and infinite money. But just like real life it’s not infinite. Reach a certain point and the cracks show. The system crumbles down. Just like real life, the system will not last forever, there is no infinite money, the torture isn’t infinite. The real question is do you want this crash or do you seek obliteration. Freedom or the complete subservience. Socialism or Barbarism.
Or maybe I’m just reading too much into a crap mobile app developed into 2012. That seems very likely.
I am going to try and be as non biased as I can in this because some people might have an aneurysm if I did.The [redacted] banter crowd.
But with that out of the way let me begin. The whole point of this blog post in one sentence is that it drives me up the wall when people somehow believe that our government and society is somehow better than the US. Now let me specify that yes the US is a shithole but just because it is a shithole doesn’t mean you can feel superior to those living blissfully ignorant to their government while you wank off to Leo Varadkar and his Mean Girls quotes.
The most succinct moment of this was a convo I was having with my gf. In it the OATSA(offences against the state act) came up and I was discussing how it is undemocratic along with the special criminal court(which beside numerous other problems doesn’t have a Jury). My gfs response? Shock and responses like “But in CSPE we were told Ireland is democratic” and others of the like. She was genuinely surprised and confused as to why when she was in state education that they didn’t teach her about all the dodgy stuff they where doing. I do not blame her, I was the same for a long while. I am still shocked tho that people are so surprised by it.
I always knew that people had been fooled by propaganda from a young age due to political positions from my dad but even then I had been fooled. It is platos cave and all that jazz. But the most effective tool I think possessed by the propaganda machine of Ireland is the existence of the United States. Whenever police brutality is brought up? The united states is worse. Whenever poverty is brought up? At least it’s not the United states. Healthcare? USA. The same old story. We can laugh at how backwards they are while our government makes things worse and worse but at least our leader can quote movies and people who sent in death squads to massacre us.
Yet our government can arrest us and throw us in jail with very little “evidence” such as a senior Garda official saying we are in the IRA and then we get to be in jail for 5 years minimum. And no-one knows this. Our government is forced to pay money every time it uses the special criminal court and every year it costs money that we have portlaoise prison due to specific security precautions. Small price to pay for security. The government beats up travellers and throws immigrants in inhumane conditions in direct provisions. And do you want to know the funnies part? When I try to dispute propaganda? I am told I need to read and that I am the one suffering from propaganda. How dare I suggest that they are foolish enough to suffer from propaganda. I am the fool in fact. I am the one who has been propagandised. They loudly proclaim to me “I’m immune to propaganda but you’re not”
